The World According To Brianna: A Little Drama Never Hurt Anyone

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It's Brianna's latest blog for PattyJ.com - You're not going to want to miss this one!

Disclaimer: The following content is for mature adults only. It includes life events from multiple individuals, along with incidents that are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. 

 

So did anyone else want to slit their wrist this holiday season? Yes, I know I am being dramatic, but seriously...

Although I am Santa’s elf – if you know me, you know what I mean – there is just something about the holiday’s that makes me want to crawl in a hole until it’s over.

It’s over. Hence, I am backkkkkkkkk.

Therefore, Let’s discuss everything that makes me – probably you too - suicidal during this remarkable time of year.

(RELAX, I’m being dramatic again.)

First

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's happens, and throughout those months, you want to keep up with your social life, so just like any other typical day, you scroll through your Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter News Feeds and… Everyone you know just got engaged. #CongratsToYouHappyCouples #FML

Meanwhile, T-minus 10 hours ago, you were crying over some dude that abruptly stopped speaking to you for..??? Oh wait that’s right, you don’t even know why. #ThanksForThat

What’s even worse than this news feed epidemic and your recent "death" in the eyes of someone you thought was remarkable?

All of the holiday gatherings in which your entire family is in attendance, and they individually and group interrogate you.

Dinner begins and slowly but surely the conversation shifts towards you - “Jane, how old are you? Why don’t you have a boyfriend? When are you going to have kids? What are you waiting for to get engaged?” - Awkward eye roll, texts to the single friends, and wine chugging is currently in full effect (indefinitely).  

#MerryFnChristmas

 Second

Literally every single solitary person that you never want to see again comes home.

People you don’t want to see:

• The Deadbeats
  • The people who don’t work, but claim they do and are just professional schemers.
• The ex(s)
  • Need I say more?
• The wh***es that made him/them your ex(s).
  • Thanks for your #H*eLife tendencies, you did me a favor.
• The Fakers.
  • People that hug you to say hi, but will immediately turn around and talk sh*t about you.
    • First, please don’t touch me you peasant.
    • Second, I heard what you said b*tch. #KarmaWillGetYou

Not only do they come home and make the malls, roads, and air we breathe worse than they already are, but they swarm our local hot spots and create a 2000 – 2015 class reunion.

So there you are, at that hometown bar with your #DayOnes (minus a few because they were smart enough to sit home), along with those friends/acquaintances you party with on the reg. You suddenly look around and just take it all in - thanking God you aren’t in high school anymore, and don’t have to see these nitwits on a daily basis - drink in hand, purposely looking rather clumsy, just in case you need to remind someone whose turf this is.

#GoBackToWhereYouCameFrom #WeDontWantYouHere

Shout-out to all the normal people who come home for the holidays. We are happy to have you back!

Third

Now, during this time you are consumed with multiple celebrations, which include one or all of the following:

• Binge drinking
• Eating yo face off
• Spending money that you don’t have

#PostHolidayFML’s

• Time to go back to work. SH*T, none of my pants fit.
• Realization how much time and money you wasted in 2015.
• You already broke your New Year's resolutions. (They were unachievable anyway.)

Better luck next year. 

XOX

Brianna

Photo Credit: Photo by ~Userc33e319b_208/iStock /Getty Images